I find it ironic that I'm writing this, considering when Sean first suggesting making a public post about the status of our marriage, I balked at it. Maybe I just wasn't ready - or maybe I needed to say it in my own words?
Two Saturdays ago, Sean and I decided to separate. Nobody did anything wrong. It was a mutual decision that we came to together after realizing that we weren't happy, haven't been for some time, and did not think that we could get to where we needed to be together. This whole separation has been very amicable. I am happy that, after almost 9 years of being together, that we are able to be adults and not let our marriage end with anger and hate towards each other. However, when I am hurting, sometimes I almost wish that he had done something wrong towards me, so that I could hide my hurt behind anger.
With there being no clear reason to leave, this decision was very hard for both of us to make. We are both very much intertwined in each others lives. His family and friends are my family and friends, and after nine years, we both love and care so deeply about each other. This transition has not been easy. Sully and I moved into our own place, which brings another level of hard to this because I've never lived on my own. I've always had somebody to fall back on when times are tough, and now I need to be able to rely on myself. I also miss my best friend and my other half of my family. I feel like I have lost so much because of this. I'm not saying that we made a mistake, but it definitely is very hard to grieve for not only the loss of a relationship with my husband (my best friend) but to also know that my relationship with his family will never be the same.
I know that we are making the right decision, but this definitely has not been easy. I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Some of my hardest moments have been sorting through our stuff and missing our cats. Sully came with me and the cats are with Sean. The other night I had an emotional breakdown when the TV wouldn't work. It was the stupidest thing, a TV not working, but I just couldn't picture how I would be able to live by myself if I couldn't even get a TV to work. But we're in our new place now and just have to make it work.
Throughout this process, my family and friends have been amazing. Many of them dropped what they were doing to come and help me pack and move, and just be here for a good part of my first night. My friend's boyfriends put together my new dresser and nightstand, which took hours (the salesperson was NOT lying when they said this was the most difficult piece of furniture to assemble). Other friends, have checked in on me, given me advice and just been there to listen. Although I have sometimes not been super responsive during this tumultuous time, I have greatly appreciated the love and support that I have. I'm not sure how I would have gotten this far without you.
Running is definitely what is getting me through this. I am so glad that I have found running over the past couple of years. Some parts of running are sad - knowing that Sean will never be at the finish line of one of my races again.. that's hard. Especially when I think about the marathon that I want to complete this year. But, other than that, I have found tremendous support in running. Throughout the past few weeks when Sean and I were initially discussing this, it would help me with clarity. I would show up to a group run with all of these jumbled thoughts and emotions and leave knowing exactly how I felt. Of course it helped that not only do I have awesome family and friends, I also have an amazing running family who I love dearly.
It has also helped me to block out my emotions when I need to. The day that Sean and I had made the decision, I had gone for a run that morning. I knew that we were going to be heading this way, and I just zoned out. It was an 8 mile run. I wanted to quit about 3/4 of a mile in, but I just kept pushing - fighting for me, like I was going to have to do during this horrible time. It has also helped me to have challenges in running. Tonight, I stepped outside of my comfort zone and joined another group. This group does runs but also does speed training, hill training and full body workouts. Tonight we ran to Harrison Hill and then did 4 hill repeats. It was really tough. I was having a hard time breathing and took some walking breaks. I was mad at myself for doing this, but to me - it was just like this transition period in my life. There are hard times. I can choose to let the hard times win, or I can choose to keep pushing even if I have setbacks.
I have a half marathon on 12/14. I am really sad because it is going to be the first one that Sean isn't at. Sean has always been my absolute biggest supporter with my running. He has been at pretty much every race that I have ran. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this one with him not being there. Part of me wanted to give in and say that I wasn't going to do it anymore. But, I won't do that. I don't want to be a quitter and who knows how many races I'll be able to afford to do living on my own.
Monday, November 25, 2013
Thursday, November 7, 2013
I'm a real runner!! I puked on Hanover St!
This past Sunday, I completed my 2nd half marathon! Last year, I ended up completing the same half marathon with a lot of walking. I had missed a few weeks of training and ended up regressing instead of progressing. My time last year was 3:12:46. I remember being so proud for completing the half marathon, but disappointed in the amount of time that I walked. I usually do not focus too much on time, instead just try to finish the whole thing running.
This year, I really wanted to complete it in under 2:50. However, my main goal was to complete it without walking and I did it!! I didn't make my time goal, unfortunately, but I was just happy that I didn't need to walk - and I PRd for my half marathon time with a time of 3:01:28! I have another half coming up on 12/14. I'm really hoping to meet that sub 2:50 time, but understand that's not entirely reasonable.. so that's my A) goal. My B) goal is to get under 3 hours. Of course, I want to complete the entire course without walking.
I was thankful that it was daylight savings time, so we gained an extra hour of sleep. Somehow I was not nervous about it, so I ended up getting a good nights sleep. I met at the store for 8 am, used the bathroom (so nice to not have to use a porta potty!) and chatted with others in the running group. At 8:40 we took a group picture and ran over to the starting line for the 8:50 start.
A few minutes after the race started, I ran by my husband, my sister-in-law Marissa, and brother-in-law, Mike. It was so nice that they came out to support me, despite the fact that it was freezing out! I am really blessed! Shortly before the one mile mark, I saw them again. Around mile 2, I saw coach Betsy and fellow group member Deb. They were cheering us on. Deb came over and ran with me, and it definitely made me happy! I also saw Officer Rick at this point. He's also in the group, but was working the race as he's running a half this weekend. He gave me a high five, and I was on my way.
The next two miles were okay. There was a big hill that I hate (we trained on this route many times) but I made it through it. At mile 4, I ate my shot blocks. They had a water station starting at mile 3 and then every 2 miles for the rest of the course. They also had a timer every 2 miles starting at mile 2. It was nice because I just kept thinking in my head that I just needed to get to the next thing. Once I left a water station, I knew it was one mile to the timer. Once I left the timer, I knew it was one mile to the next water station. I stopped briefly at each water station to take a sip of water and then was on my way. With 5 water stations, I'm sure this cost me some time and not stopping may have allowed me to be sub 3 hours. I'm going to try this at the 12/14 half.
Before we entered the park, I saw Betsy and Deb again. It was great as I hadn't seen anybody since mile 2 and now we were almost at mile 6. It was awesome to get some encouragement before I headed off into the park. This was definitely a tough part of the course for me. As I came through the park, I saw my husband and in laws. I was not thrilled that I was less than halfway there.
Around this point was the best cheering stations. People were sitting outside of their houses with drinks around a campfire (though part of me wished I was with them instead of running the race at this point. haha!) with music blaring - cheering me on. It felt awesome. Slightly before mile 8 I started feeling sluggish and knew I had Reservoir Rd (dreaded hill) ahead of me so I took my shot blocks a bit early. For some reason they didn't go down so easy and I ended up choking on them. I managed to pull myself together, finish the blocks, and make it up Reservoir without walking.
I was so excited when I turned onto mission ave - this is where the half marathoners split off from the marathoners. I also knew that Hanover St. was close and running down Hanover is my favorite part! When I reached Hanover, I really felt like I was in the home stretch. Although I still had about 2.5 miles or so to go, I love running down Hanover - it's mostly downhill with one uphill near the Greek church, and you are running into the city. I've run it so many times and know exactly where I am - so this makes me happy. Near the top of Hanover, I threw up! It was funny because it's an ongoing joke in the group that you're not a real runner unless you throw up. Coach Betsy's husband has made that comment before and it's always something that we joke about (since I don't know many runners that puke and they're still real runners). I was so hyped on emotions that I just remember thinking "OMG I'm a real runner!" hahaha. I was also very thankful that this was before we met up with the marathoners again, just before our mile 11 and their mile 17. I was alone most of the race until I met up with the marathoners.
When we were all running down Hanover street together, it was just amazing. During the start of the race and during this period in time, I get the excitement of running in a race. The rest of the course, I was mainly by myself - which is okay too. But there is nothing like the exhilaration of running with a bunch of other runners. When they were running by me, everybody kept saying "good job" "great job, runner". Seriously, this is why I love runners. They are the nicest people around! I have never had another runner make me feel badly about my pace or any other ability, and it's just amazing. When these people were telling me "great job" I just kept thinking - Great job to YOU, YOU'RE the one running a marathon - and running past me even though you've done 6 miles more than me! haha.
When I got down to almost the end of Hanover Street, the coaches and other group members were outside the store cheering for me. This gave me the boost that I needed to continue the last .2 or so of a mile. At the end of Hanover, the half marathoners go left to the finish, and the marathoners go right for another 7.2 miles. It was at this point that I realized that, although I want to do a marathon, that I don't think I could ever do this one. After 2 years of coming down Hanover and finishing to the left after 13.1 miles, I'm not sure I can come down Hanover after doing 19 miles and then go to the right for another 7.2! Totally a mental thing, but I'm pretty sure I'd just want to turn left and finish hahaha
When I got to the finish line, I sprinted as fast as I could and crossed the finish line with a smile. I was so excited!! I couldn't believe that I finished 13.1 miles and completed them without walking!
Sean, Marissa and Mike were all there to watch me finish. After the race was over, we grabbed brunch and then headed home where I crashed. I'm pretty sure I took a 3 hour nap.
After all is said and done, I am so incredibly grateful. I am grateful for my friends and family who supported me throughout this endeavor. The coaches and fellow runners in the group became like family. I am also so blessed that I can run. Last year, I ended the half marathon with a stress fracture. I couldn't run for months after the half. I was in so much pain even walking. This year, I have no injuries and have run twice since Sunday!
Sometimes I get frustrated with the fact that I'm not at the ability that I want to be, but then I remember that I get to run, and that is all that I need to turn my attitude around. My buddy, Hayden, has really put this into perspective for me. He works so hard to be able to even just stand and to walk. He is very precious and such a strong little boy. He really gives me motivation to keep going when I don't want to. Throughout the half on Sunday, I just kept thinking about him and he got me through the tough times when I wanted to quit.
I was really depressed that the group runs were going to end. Not only do they help keep me accountable, but I just love the people that are in the group. It is especially nice at night when I don't want to run alone. Even though I usually end up alone at some point on the route, it's nice to know that there are people waiting for me. Thankfully, everybody felt the same way and we've decided to keep the runs going! I'm looking forward to a great winter of running!
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This year, I really wanted to complete it in under 2:50. However, my main goal was to complete it without walking and I did it!! I didn't make my time goal, unfortunately, but I was just happy that I didn't need to walk - and I PRd for my half marathon time with a time of 3:01:28! I have another half coming up on 12/14. I'm really hoping to meet that sub 2:50 time, but understand that's not entirely reasonable.. so that's my A) goal. My B) goal is to get under 3 hours. Of course, I want to complete the entire course without walking.
I was thankful that it was daylight savings time, so we gained an extra hour of sleep. Somehow I was not nervous about it, so I ended up getting a good nights sleep. I met at the store for 8 am, used the bathroom (so nice to not have to use a porta potty!) and chatted with others in the running group. At 8:40 we took a group picture and ran over to the starting line for the 8:50 start.
A few minutes after the race started, I ran by my husband, my sister-in-law Marissa, and brother-in-law, Mike. It was so nice that they came out to support me, despite the fact that it was freezing out! I am really blessed! Shortly before the one mile mark, I saw them again. Around mile 2, I saw coach Betsy and fellow group member Deb. They were cheering us on. Deb came over and ran with me, and it definitely made me happy! I also saw Officer Rick at this point. He's also in the group, but was working the race as he's running a half this weekend. He gave me a high five, and I was on my way.
The next two miles were okay. There was a big hill that I hate (we trained on this route many times) but I made it through it. At mile 4, I ate my shot blocks. They had a water station starting at mile 3 and then every 2 miles for the rest of the course. They also had a timer every 2 miles starting at mile 2. It was nice because I just kept thinking in my head that I just needed to get to the next thing. Once I left a water station, I knew it was one mile to the timer. Once I left the timer, I knew it was one mile to the next water station. I stopped briefly at each water station to take a sip of water and then was on my way. With 5 water stations, I'm sure this cost me some time and not stopping may have allowed me to be sub 3 hours. I'm going to try this at the 12/14 half.
Before we entered the park, I saw Betsy and Deb again. It was great as I hadn't seen anybody since mile 2 and now we were almost at mile 6. It was awesome to get some encouragement before I headed off into the park. This was definitely a tough part of the course for me. As I came through the park, I saw my husband and in laws. I was not thrilled that I was less than halfway there.
Around this point was the best cheering stations. People were sitting outside of their houses with drinks around a campfire (though part of me wished I was with them instead of running the race at this point. haha!) with music blaring - cheering me on. It felt awesome. Slightly before mile 8 I started feeling sluggish and knew I had Reservoir Rd (dreaded hill) ahead of me so I took my shot blocks a bit early. For some reason they didn't go down so easy and I ended up choking on them. I managed to pull myself together, finish the blocks, and make it up Reservoir without walking.
I was so excited when I turned onto mission ave - this is where the half marathoners split off from the marathoners. I also knew that Hanover St. was close and running down Hanover is my favorite part! When I reached Hanover, I really felt like I was in the home stretch. Although I still had about 2.5 miles or so to go, I love running down Hanover - it's mostly downhill with one uphill near the Greek church, and you are running into the city. I've run it so many times and know exactly where I am - so this makes me happy. Near the top of Hanover, I threw up! It was funny because it's an ongoing joke in the group that you're not a real runner unless you throw up. Coach Betsy's husband has made that comment before and it's always something that we joke about (since I don't know many runners that puke and they're still real runners). I was so hyped on emotions that I just remember thinking "OMG I'm a real runner!" hahaha. I was also very thankful that this was before we met up with the marathoners again, just before our mile 11 and their mile 17. I was alone most of the race until I met up with the marathoners.
When we were all running down Hanover street together, it was just amazing. During the start of the race and during this period in time, I get the excitement of running in a race. The rest of the course, I was mainly by myself - which is okay too. But there is nothing like the exhilaration of running with a bunch of other runners. When they were running by me, everybody kept saying "good job" "great job, runner". Seriously, this is why I love runners. They are the nicest people around! I have never had another runner make me feel badly about my pace or any other ability, and it's just amazing. When these people were telling me "great job" I just kept thinking - Great job to YOU, YOU'RE the one running a marathon - and running past me even though you've done 6 miles more than me! haha.
When I got down to almost the end of Hanover Street, the coaches and other group members were outside the store cheering for me. This gave me the boost that I needed to continue the last .2 or so of a mile. At the end of Hanover, the half marathoners go left to the finish, and the marathoners go right for another 7.2 miles. It was at this point that I realized that, although I want to do a marathon, that I don't think I could ever do this one. After 2 years of coming down Hanover and finishing to the left after 13.1 miles, I'm not sure I can come down Hanover after doing 19 miles and then go to the right for another 7.2! Totally a mental thing, but I'm pretty sure I'd just want to turn left and finish hahaha
When I got to the finish line, I sprinted as fast as I could and crossed the finish line with a smile. I was so excited!! I couldn't believe that I finished 13.1 miles and completed them without walking!
Sean, Marissa and Mike were all there to watch me finish. After the race was over, we grabbed brunch and then headed home where I crashed. I'm pretty sure I took a 3 hour nap.
After all is said and done, I am so incredibly grateful. I am grateful for my friends and family who supported me throughout this endeavor. The coaches and fellow runners in the group became like family. I am also so blessed that I can run. Last year, I ended the half marathon with a stress fracture. I couldn't run for months after the half. I was in so much pain even walking. This year, I have no injuries and have run twice since Sunday!
Sometimes I get frustrated with the fact that I'm not at the ability that I want to be, but then I remember that I get to run, and that is all that I need to turn my attitude around. My buddy, Hayden, has really put this into perspective for me. He works so hard to be able to even just stand and to walk. He is very precious and such a strong little boy. He really gives me motivation to keep going when I don't want to. Throughout the half on Sunday, I just kept thinking about him and he got me through the tough times when I wanted to quit.
I was really depressed that the group runs were going to end. Not only do they help keep me accountable, but I just love the people that are in the group. It is especially nice at night when I don't want to run alone. Even though I usually end up alone at some point on the route, it's nice to know that there are people waiting for me. Thankfully, everybody felt the same way and we've decided to keep the runs going! I'm looking forward to a great winter of running!
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