I find it ironic that I'm writing this, considering when Sean first suggesting making a public post about the status of our marriage, I balked at it. Maybe I just wasn't ready - or maybe I needed to say it in my own words?
Two Saturdays ago, Sean and I decided to separate. Nobody did anything wrong. It was a mutual decision that we came to together after realizing that we weren't happy, haven't been for some time, and did not think that we could get to where we needed to be together. This whole separation has been very amicable. I am happy that, after almost 9 years of being together, that we are able to be adults and not let our marriage end with anger and hate towards each other. However, when I am hurting, sometimes I almost wish that he had done something wrong towards me, so that I could hide my hurt behind anger.
With there being no clear reason to leave, this decision was very hard for both of us to make. We are both very much intertwined in each others lives. His family and friends are my family and friends, and after nine years, we both love and care so deeply about each other. This transition has not been easy. Sully and I moved into our own place, which brings another level of hard to this because I've never lived on my own. I've always had somebody to fall back on when times are tough, and now I need to be able to rely on myself. I also miss my best friend and my other half of my family. I feel like I have lost so much because of this. I'm not saying that we made a mistake, but it definitely is very hard to grieve for not only the loss of a relationship with my husband (my best friend) but to also know that my relationship with his family will never be the same.
I know that we are making the right decision, but this definitely has not been easy. I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Some of my hardest moments have been sorting through our stuff and missing our cats. Sully came with me and the cats are with Sean. The other night I had an emotional breakdown when the TV wouldn't work. It was the stupidest thing, a TV not working, but I just couldn't picture how I would be able to live by myself if I couldn't even get a TV to work. But we're in our new place now and just have to make it work.
Throughout this process, my family and friends have been amazing. Many of them dropped what they were doing to come and help me pack and move, and just be here for a good part of my first night. My friend's boyfriends put together my new dresser and nightstand, which took hours (the salesperson was NOT lying when they said this was the most difficult piece of furniture to assemble). Other friends, have checked in on me, given me advice and just been there to listen. Although I have sometimes not been super responsive during this tumultuous time, I have greatly appreciated the love and support that I have. I'm not sure how I would have gotten this far without you.
Running is definitely what is getting me through this. I am so glad that I have found running over the past couple of years. Some parts of running are sad - knowing that Sean will never be at the finish line of one of my races again.. that's hard. Especially when I think about the marathon that I want to complete this year. But, other than that, I have found tremendous support in running. Throughout the past few weeks when Sean and I were initially discussing this, it would help me with clarity. I would show up to a group run with all of these jumbled thoughts and emotions and leave knowing exactly how I felt. Of course it helped that not only do I have awesome family and friends, I also have an amazing running family who I love dearly.
It has also helped me to block out my emotions when I need to. The day that Sean and I had made the decision, I had gone for a run that morning. I knew that we were going to be heading this way, and I just zoned out. It was an 8 mile run. I wanted to quit about 3/4 of a mile in, but I just kept pushing - fighting for me, like I was going to have to do during this horrible time. It has also helped me to have challenges in running. Tonight, I stepped outside of my comfort zone and joined another group. This group does runs but also does speed training, hill training and full body workouts. Tonight we ran to Harrison Hill and then did 4 hill repeats. It was really tough. I was having a hard time breathing and took some walking breaks. I was mad at myself for doing this, but to me - it was just like this transition period in my life. There are hard times. I can choose to let the hard times win, or I can choose to keep pushing even if I have setbacks.
I have a half marathon on 12/14. I am really sad because it is going to be the first one that Sean isn't at. Sean has always been my absolute biggest supporter with my running. He has been at pretty much every race that I have ran. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this one with him not being there. Part of me wanted to give in and say that I wasn't going to do it anymore. But, I won't do that. I don't want to be a quitter and who knows how many races I'll be able to afford to do living on my own.
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