Running is the best form of therapy

I find it ironic that I'm writing this, considering when Sean first suggesting making a public post about the status of our marriage, I balked at it. Maybe I just wasn't ready - or maybe I needed to say it in my own words? 

Two Saturdays ago, Sean and I decided to separate. Nobody did anything wrong. It was a mutual decision that we came to together after realizing that we weren't happy, haven't been for some time, and did not think that we could get to where we needed to be together. This whole separation has been very amicable. I am happy that, after almost 9 years of being together, that we are able to be adults and not let our marriage end with anger and hate towards each other. However, when I am hurting, sometimes I almost wish that he had done something wrong towards me, so that I could hide my hurt behind anger. 

With there being no clear reason to leave, this decision was very hard for both of us to make. We are both very much intertwined in each others lives. His family and friends are my family and friends, and after nine years, we both love and care so deeply about each other. This transition has not been easy. Sully and I moved into our own place, which brings another level of hard to this because I've never lived on my own. I've always had somebody to fall back on when times are tough, and now I need to be able to rely on myself. I also miss my best friend and my other half of my family. I feel like I have lost so much because of this. I'm not saying that we made a mistake, but it definitely is very hard to grieve for not only the loss of a relationship with my husband (my best friend) but to also know that my relationship with his family will never be the same. 

I know that we are making the right decision, but this definitely has not been easy. I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Some of my hardest moments have been sorting through our stuff and missing our cats. Sully came with me and the cats are with Sean. The other night I had an emotional breakdown when the TV wouldn't work. It was the stupidest thing, a TV not working, but I just couldn't picture how I would be able to live by myself if I couldn't even get a TV to work. But we're in our new place now and just have to make it work. 

Throughout this process, my family and friends have been amazing. Many of them dropped what they were doing to come and help me pack and move, and just be here for a good part of my first night. My friend's boyfriends put together my new dresser and nightstand, which took hours (the salesperson was NOT lying when they said this was the most difficult piece of furniture to assemble). Other friends, have checked in on me, given me advice and just been there to listen. Although I have sometimes not been super responsive during this tumultuous time, I have greatly appreciated the love and support that I have. I'm not sure how I would have gotten this far without you.

Running is definitely what is getting me through this. I am so glad that I have found running over the past couple of years. Some parts of running are sad - knowing that Sean will never be at the finish line of one of my races again.. that's hard. Especially when I think about the marathon that I want to complete this year. But, other than that, I have found tremendous support in running. Throughout the past few weeks when Sean and I were initially discussing this, it would help me with clarity. I would show up to a group run with all of these jumbled thoughts and emotions and leave knowing exactly how I felt. Of course it helped that not only do I have awesome family and friends, I also have an amazing running family who I love dearly. 

It has also helped me to block out my emotions when I need to. The day that Sean and I had made the decision, I had gone for a run that morning. I knew that we were going to be heading this way, and I just zoned out. It was an 8 mile run. I wanted to quit about 3/4 of a mile in, but I just kept pushing - fighting for me, like I was going to have to do during this horrible time. It has also helped me to have challenges in running. Tonight, I stepped outside of my comfort zone and joined another group. This group does runs but also does speed training, hill training and full body workouts. Tonight we ran to Harrison Hill and then did 4 hill repeats. It was really tough. I was having a hard time breathing and took some walking breaks. I was mad at myself for doing this, but to me - it was just like this transition period in my life. There are hard times. I can choose to let the hard times win, or I can choose to keep pushing even if I have setbacks.

I have a half marathon on 12/14. I am really sad because it is going to be the first one that Sean isn't at. Sean has always been my absolute biggest supporter with my running. He has been at pretty much every race that I have ran. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this one with him not being there. Part of me wanted to give in and say that I wasn't going to do it anymore. But, I won't do that. I don't want to be a quitter and who knows how many races I'll be able to afford to do living on my own.

I'm a real runner!! I puked on Hanover St!

This past Sunday, I completed my 2nd half marathon! Last year, I ended up completing the same half marathon with a lot of walking. I had missed a few weeks of training and ended up regressing instead of progressing. My time last year was 3:12:46. I remember being so proud for completing the half marathon, but disappointed in the amount of time that I walked. I usually do not focus too much on time, instead just try to finish the whole thing running.

This year, I really wanted to complete it in under 2:50. However, my main goal was to complete it without walking and I did it!! I didn't make my time goal, unfortunately, but I was just happy that I didn't need to walk - and I PRd for my half marathon time with a time of 3:01:28! I have another half coming up on 12/14. I'm really hoping to meet that sub 2:50 time, but understand that's not entirely reasonable.. so that's my A) goal. My B) goal is to get under 3 hours. Of course, I want to complete the entire course without walking. 

I was thankful that it was daylight savings time, so we gained an extra hour of sleep. Somehow I was  not nervous about it, so I ended up getting a good nights sleep. I met at the store for 8 am, used the bathroom (so nice to not have to use a porta potty!) and chatted with others in the running group. At 8:40 we took a group picture and ran over to the starting line for the 8:50 start. 

A few minutes after the race started, I ran by my husband, my sister-in-law Marissa, and brother-in-law, Mike. It was so nice that they came out to support me, despite the fact that it was freezing out! I am really blessed! Shortly before the one mile mark, I saw them again. Around mile 2, I saw coach Betsy and fellow group member Deb. They were cheering us on. Deb came over and ran with me, and it definitely made me happy! I also saw Officer Rick at this point. He's also in the group, but was working the race as he's running a half this weekend. He gave me a high five, and I was on my way. 

The next two miles were okay. There was a big hill that I hate (we trained on this route many times) but I made it through it. At mile 4, I ate my shot blocks. They had a water station starting at mile 3 and then every 2 miles for the rest of the course. They also had a timer every 2 miles starting at mile 2. It was nice because I just kept thinking in my head that I just needed to get to the next thing. Once I left a water station, I knew it was one mile to the timer. Once I left the timer, I knew it was one mile to the next water station. I stopped briefly at each water station to take a sip of water and then was on my way. With 5 water stations, I'm sure this cost me some time and not stopping may have allowed me to be sub 3 hours. I'm going to try this at the 12/14 half.

Before we entered the park, I saw Betsy and Deb again. It was great as I hadn't seen anybody since mile 2 and now we were almost at mile 6. It was awesome to get some encouragement before I headed off into the park. This was definitely a tough part of the course for me. As I came through the park, I saw my husband and in laws. I was not thrilled that I was less than halfway there.

Around this point was the best cheering stations. People were sitting outside of their houses with drinks around a campfire (though part of me wished I was with them instead of running the race at this point. haha!) with  music blaring - cheering me on. It felt awesome. Slightly before mile 8 I started feeling sluggish and knew I had Reservoir Rd (dreaded hill) ahead of me so I took my shot blocks a bit early. For some reason they didn't go down so easy and I ended up choking on them. I managed to pull myself together, finish the blocks, and make it up Reservoir without walking. 

I was so excited when I turned onto mission ave - this is where the half marathoners split off from the marathoners. I also knew that Hanover St. was close and running down Hanover is my favorite part! When I reached Hanover, I really felt like I was in the home stretch. Although I still had about 2.5 miles or so to go, I love running down Hanover - it's mostly downhill with one uphill near the Greek church, and you are running into the city. I've run it so many times and know exactly where I am - so this makes me happy. Near the top of Hanover, I threw up! It was funny because it's an ongoing joke in the group that you're not a real runner unless you throw up. Coach Betsy's husband has made that comment before and it's always something that we joke about (since I don't know many runners that puke and they're still real runners). I was so hyped on emotions that I just remember thinking "OMG I'm a real runner!" hahaha. I was also very thankful that this was before we met up with the marathoners again, just before our mile 11 and their mile 17. I was alone most of the race until I met up with the marathoners. 

When we were all running down Hanover street together, it was just amazing. During the start of the race and during this period in time, I get the excitement of running in a race. The rest of the course, I was mainly by myself - which is okay too. But there is nothing like the exhilaration of running with a bunch of other runners. When they were running by me, everybody kept saying "good job" "great job, runner". Seriously, this is why I love runners. They are the nicest people around! I have never had another runner make me feel badly about my pace or any other ability, and it's just amazing. When these people were telling me "great job" I just kept thinking - Great job to YOU, YOU'RE the one running a marathon - and running past me even though you've done 6 miles more than me! haha. 

When I got down to almost the end of Hanover Street, the coaches and other group  members were outside the store cheering for me. This gave me the boost that I needed to continue the last .2 or so of a mile. At the end of Hanover, the half marathoners go left to the finish, and the marathoners go right for another 7.2 miles. It was at this point that I realized that, although I want to do a marathon, that I don't think I could ever do this one. After 2 years of coming down Hanover and finishing to the left after 13.1 miles, I'm not sure I can come down Hanover after doing 19 miles and then go to the right for another 7.2! Totally a mental thing, but I'm pretty sure I'd just want to turn left and finish hahaha

When I got to the finish line, I sprinted as fast as I could and crossed the finish line with a smile. I was so excited!! I couldn't believe that I finished 13.1 miles and completed them without walking! 

Sean, Marissa and Mike were all there to watch me finish. After the race was over, we grabbed brunch and then headed home where I crashed. I'm pretty sure I took a 3 hour nap. 

After all is said and done, I am so incredibly grateful. I am grateful for my friends and family who supported me throughout this endeavor. The coaches and fellow runners in the group became like family. I am also so blessed that I can run. Last year, I ended the half marathon with a stress fracture. I couldn't run for months after the half. I was in so much pain even walking. This year, I have no injuries and have run twice since Sunday!

Sometimes I get frustrated with the fact that I'm not at the ability that I want to be, but then I remember that I get to run, and that is all that I need to turn my attitude around. My buddy, Hayden, has really put this into perspective for me. He works so hard to be able to even just stand and to walk. He is very precious and such a strong little boy. He really gives me motivation to keep going when I don't want to. Throughout the half on Sunday, I just kept thinking about him and he got me through the tough times when I wanted to quit. 

I was really depressed that the group runs were going to end. Not only do they help keep me accountable, but I just love the people that are in the group. It is especially nice at night when I don't want to run alone. Even though I usually end up alone at some point on the route, it's nice to know that there are people waiting for me. Thankfully, everybody felt the same way and we've decided to keep the runs going! I'm looking forward to a great winter of running! 

 

It's the Climb..

Saturday, on my way to my 12 mile run - the last long run before the half marathon on 11/3. As I was nearing Runner's Alley, my Ipod started playing Miley Cyrus's "The Climb". I know, I know - it's Miley Cyrus.. But I actually really like the song - and there's a couple of verses that really stuck out to me. 

"Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on..."

Now if I only knew how applicable this song would be to my run that day. It was definitely a tough run. I was just getting over a sinus infection and my sinuses had been draining for days. I had an antibiotic in me that was making me super thirsty. I ended up running out of water at mile 8. By mile 9.5, I had hit a wall - with over 2.5 miles left to go - it seemed like forever. I was seriously so dehydrated and out of water. I was very much dramatizing it, but I seriously thought I was going to drop right there. As I turned onto Hanover St, shortly after mile 10 - I saw a run down convenience store. I didn't have any money or any of my credit cards on me, but I needed to stop. The guy was kind enough to let me fill my water bottles with water from the sink. I immediately started downing both of the bottles, and was out of the 20 ounces in less than a half a mile. The last 1.75 miles were really hard. I felt like they were never ending. I finally made it back to the store and just sat.. for a long time before I could even stretch. I kept sucking down water and felt like I was going to either throw up or pass out.. or both. I am pretty sure my electrolytes were low. It was a tough run with not having enough water and still dealing with the side effects of the sinus infection. I managed to get some Gatorade into me and felt better after a few hours.. Just glad to have this run behind me. 

Tuesdays run this week was hard too. When I saw the route, I was cursing the coaches for picking the route! The first couple of miles was flat; however, a good portion of this route was on bridge st - which is a hill that is really steep in some areas, and seems like it is never ending! As much as I was dreading the run when it started, I was proud of myself and happy that the coach had chosen this route. Despite the fact that my breathing was out of control, and I could barely keep up with Betsy during our conversation while I was struggling up the hill, I felt strong. 

Last night, I finished a book that I started reading a couple of days ago, called "Mile Markers: The 26.2 Most Important Reasons Why Women Run." There was so much of this book that stuck out to  me - but one passage in particular really hit home. Here are some highlights - "It's hard for me. I struggle. I suffer. I get discouraged. I get mad. I celebrate, sometimes... It doesn't always feel good in the moment, but ultimately you are a better person for it... So I may not always run the way I want to run or race the way I imagine myself racing, and my performance outside may only rarely reflect the runner on the inside, but there is a certain endurance rush reserved for those of us who have to work extra hard just to stand on the line and dream." I read this passage three times and cannot even explain how it speaks to me. I have to work really hard for my runs, and I am PROUD of them, because of how hard I have to work. 

Tonight was a much needed run. I had a stress and anxiety filled day today. I laid down after work to take a quick nap and almost skipped the run. I started making excuses that I could just do the run tomorrow, that it wasn't a big deal. But then I remembered the promise that I made to myself - I knew that I needed this run. My legs were really tight, which made the run a challenging one despite the fact there weren't really any hills. But the run was cathartic.. It gave me what I needed - a much needed stress relief. I was so glad that I went! 

Long run and a humbling 5k

This weekend, I experienced a vast array of emotions regarding my runs. Saturday morning, I had my longest run yet - 11.7 miles. Although I completed a half marathon last year, I ended up walking a lot of it. Prior to this years training, my longest run was between 6-7 miles. 

Saturday I woke up really nervous. My training the past few weeks has been great. I've been able to power through the mental mind block and run until I'm done the route - hills and all! The previous week we had done 9.5 and I wasn't expecting a 2 mile bump in mileage. I was trying really had to not let it get to me - but it was freaking me out a little. The night before I hadn't really slept well - I'd had a bunch of junk to eat the night before and had some weird panic attacks a few times throughout the night. I woke up a little sleepy, but decided to just trust the training and take it one step at a time. As it was nearly 12 miles, I decided to chunk it into 4 mile sections. The first four miles would get me to the turn onto Union St. Then the next four miles was from Union St to Reservoir Ave (hill!), and the final 4 would get me back to the store. 

I started listening to a new audiobook on this run. While it is not nearly as amazing as "Born to Run", it is a pretty good distraction on the runs. The first four miles went well - I tried to pick up the pace a little, while still conserving energy for the last 2/3 of the run. I had my energy chews at mile 4 and then stopped at the "water station" shortly after. One of our group members lives right on the route and is very kind to put out some water and Gatorade for us to be able to have on the run. I was very thankful for the electrolyte drink, since I haven't been carrying any with me - just water.. I must remember to start bringing a sport drink in my hydration belt too. The next four miles felt effortless too. I ate some more energy chews at mile 8 before I turned onto the hill at reservoir rd. Reservoir went okay - I didn't walk it, which was my only goal. I started to hit a wall around mile 10, but I knew that I was in the last 1.5 miles or so. We were cutting down a new road for us yesterday. I was so excited until I reached that point, turned the corner and saw one of the biggest hills that I had ever seen. I hate hills anyways, never mind when I'm hitting a wall hard. At first, my mind started taking over and I gave myself permission to walk the hill - I mean, I'd already run 10 miles - wasn't that enough? When I got to the bottom of the hill, I was determined to not stop and walk. I knew that I must have been relatively close to Hanover St - which is all downhill to the store, so I decided that I would just run it. As soon as I got to the top and started running down-hill, I noticed there was another huge hill up ahead - but I conquered that one as well! 

I did it - 11.7 miles without walking! I know that I am going to be able to run the half course - especially since we are lucky enough to train ON the half course. I was tired, sore, and chafed - but I did it. 

  

 This morning I had a 5k. It was the Foot Race for the Fallen and is put on by the Manchester Police Department to remember the four fallen officers that have been killed in the line of duty. I was still hurting from yesterday (from the chafing and just sore muscles), plus I started developing some sinus and congestion issues, so I almost skipped.. I started making excuses - I just ran 11.7 miles yesterday, I'm sick, I already paid my registration fee to this great cause, I didn't need to be there.. Well, I am so glad that I got my butt out of bed and went. 

First, it was the perfect fall running day today. I was actually a little overdressed, but managed to make it through. However, above all, this was just an amazing, humbling experience. When Sean and I were standing and chatting together, former Governor John Lynch came right up next to us - which was pretty cool. He was chatting with somebody who looked important, and I didn't realize that he was actually the Mayor of Manchester - also pretty cool. But that wasn't even the coolest part of the race.

At the starting line were two fire trucks with a gigantic American flag on display. There was somebody who was running in a very patriotic get up - American flag shorts and all!. The former governor and mayor said a few words and we were off! Shortly after we started running, I heard singing. There was a group of officers that were running in formation and singing throughout the entire race. For some reason, I just got very emotional and it made me tear up. I was determined to fight my hardest for this 5k and these fallen officers. I looked up my previous personal best 5k time - which was 37:57 in September of 2012. I really wanted to beat it. 

I thought that I was on track to beat it, but apparently lost some time along the way. I ended up finishing in 38:14. While I didn't PR, I was still happy with the time since I was coming off such a long run yesterday (as well as fighting a cold!). My Nike+ running app said that I actually did 3.21 miles - which might be possible. Although the course is certified, depending on factors such as weaving around people and cutting corners wider than  measured, I might have actually done 3.21 miles, which would have meant a PR, even though I can't count it. There are two things that I was upset about. As I was coming into the finish, an officer waived a car across in front of me. I was so close to the intersection at the point the car came across that I had to stop and wait for a few seconds before I could start up again. I'm also bummed that I didn't wear my GPS watch. I haven't been wearing it lately, because I've been wanting to focus on how I feel during a run instead of focusing on (obsessing over) my pace. However, I wish I wore it for this race. I feel like had I known I was so close to PR that I would have been able to push a little harder to beat my time. 

Now that I've whined about these two things, I'm dropping it. This is my fastest 5k time all year. It is also one of two of the races that I completed this year without taking a walk break. So, while I wish I would have PRd this time, I am happy with my accomplishment!

 

"Know why he could do it? Because no one ever told him he couldn't....

... No one ever told him he oughta be off dying somewhere in an old age home. You live up to your own expectations, man." - Born to Run.

On Saturday, during my long run, I finished "Born to Run". My friend, Dave lent it to me a long time ago, and I finally started reading it. I also downloaded an audio copy so that I could listen to it on my long runs while I was running by myself - I thought that it would be a distraction. I knew that once I could actually get around to reading this book that I would undoubtedly like it, but I never realized how much it would resonate with me. The quote from above is found in chapter 7. It was about a 95 year old man who went hiking into the Barrancas, in the Tarahumara mountains. I came across this part in the book a few weeks ago on my long run of 7 miles and it has stuck with me ever since. 

For the past few months, I have had the desire to run a marathon this year. I turned 26 in July, and thought it would be perfect - 26.2 in my 26th year. However, most everybody has had an opinion about why I should NOT do this. Even my husband, who believes that I should work on my times with the half marathon first, and then progress with longer distances if I want to. (Though I can't be really upset with him for this opinion - because he is the one waiting a very long time for me to finish). I know that I am responsible for my own thoughts and actions, but these expressed hesitations cause me to doubt myself - maybe they are right.. maybe I should work on my pace to at least get to a 10 minute mile.. maybe I should get to my goal weight first and THEN try to train for a marathon (my pace should naturally improve then, right?).. maybe I should do a few more half marathons before I try doing this. That seems reasonable... right? 

Wrong. What if I never get faster? What if I never reach my goal weight? What if I spend all this time waiting to do something that I want to do and can't because I die, or get injured to the point where I cannot even walk. What if I spend so long waiting for the perfect time to live my life, that I never actually get to accomplish something that I badly want to accomplish. So, I am going to do it.. I am going to train and run a marathon. Now I just need to find one - I'm thinking about towards the end of May. This way I have plenty of time to train for it safely, without it being insanely humid (I shall hope). 

26.2 miles.. whoa that is scary.. But 9.45 miles this past weekend was scary. I keep surprising myself each week that I am able to do these long training runs. Even though I completed a half last year, this is the longest run without walking breaks that I have ever done. We have 11.65 on the plate this Saturday and I'm not going to lie - I'm a little nervous, but I know that I can do it. I also know that I can do 26.2. I couldn't go out and run it this very minute, but I know that I can do it in May.

Take THAT Mind!

Did I seriously just run up Reservoir?! I totally did!! 

Tonight I had a group run. Our route tonight was 5.4 miles and incorporated a small part of the half marathon course. Tonight's run was tough physically. My calves were really tight, and my shins were hurting, which  made it tough - Apparently I need more potassium. Anyways, I was really tempted to just stop and walk, turn back or whatever. I kept thinking that it was like a couple of weeks ago, when I ran a couple days after hiking. But every time I actually considered stopping, I knew that it wasn't really pain pain, just tightness and some soreness.. so I pushed through. 

I really wanted to run up Reservoir rd tonight. I cannot tell you how many times Reservoir has been part of my route, and I have not once ran up it. It is a pretty long hill, but not terribly steep. It never fails, every time I turn the corner and start to go up the hill, I ALWAYS end up walking it. Tonight, was different. I was determined to make it up to the top of the hill and I did :) The funny thing is, that after I turned off reservoir, I realized that hill is not actually all that bad. I'm pretty positive I could have run it before. I think I had it in my head that I could not do it, and convinced myself of that each time I knew that I had to run that road as part of the route. After Reservoir, it was pretty flat on Mammoth and Hanover. I seriously LOVE running down Hanover. It's the half marathon course finish and it is  mostly down hill and just the perfect end to a race and any route really.

My pace has definitely not been the greatest, but I feel like I really have turned a corner with my running. I'm starting to believe that I can make it through the hard times - hills and all. I'm very proud that I have been really good lately about running until I'm done, and not when it gets "hard". I also think that I'm getting better about knowing when I'm in pain versus when I'm just tired or sore. After not being able to run for a few months last year with the stress fracture, I became very conservative with running - stopping every time I felt the hint of discomfort. I definitely have my little buddy Hayden to thank for the perspective, and all of my running friends - especially the ones that helped me conquer Harrison hill! ha!

Thankful to Harrison Hill

I did it!! Today, I ran 8.28 miles non stop! It was the first 6 miles of the Manchester Half Marathon course and then 2 miles off course to make it back. I did not need to stop to walk once! 

Last Tuesday, during the training group, we had a lower mileage day and instead did hill repeats. We ran about 1.65 miles to the hill, ran up and down the hill three times, and then headed back. This hill is both very long and incredibly steep. The first two times that I went up, I ended up needing to start walking about 3/4 of the way to the top. Even with walking, the last part of the hill was so steep that I was taking 3 steps to take me the distance that I normally take in one. The last trip up the hill, I had decided that I really wanted to make it the whole time running. And I did it!! I was so excited when I made it up to the top without stopping to walk - it felt like a huge accomplishment. 

My fabulous running coach really put it into perspective for me when we were talking about my struggle with hills.. None of the hills that we need to run are that bad. "Just keep telling yourself that it's not as bad as Harrison" - she said. Let me tell you, that definitely worked. When I got to each hill today, I just kept going and thinking about how the hill wasn't really that bad. It also helped that I've been listening to "Born to Run" on my iPhone while I've been running. My good friend, Dave, lent it to me a long time ago - longer than I'm embarrassed to admit because I feel bad I've kept it so long! I've been reading the book, but downloaded an audio form so that I could listen to on my long runs if I'm running alone. It has been a tremendous help - especially listening to that book while I'm actually running.. I love it! I'm almost done reading it and I will be sad for it to go.. I might just have to buy my own copy. 

The past few runs, I have left my Garmin at home. I wanted to focus less on pace and more on how my body feels, especially for these longer runs. I've still been keeping track of my pace via the Nike plus running app, but since that sits in my fuel belt, I only hear my pace every mile, and would be okay if it didn't even do that. I have found that my pace has definitely been getting slower, but my runs have felt great! I really want to get a little faster though, especially for race day, but my ultimate goal is to finish without walking.. I think I'm right on track for that.. I mean.. I ran 8.28 miles today non stop! This is my longest run without a walking break yet - and I felt great.. I felt like I could have done more! 

After the run, I met up with my mom & dad, my niece Eva and took Sully to walk a 3 mile Alzheimer's walk. My niece is only 4 years old and walked the entire thing. I'm so proud of her! There were a few times that she whined and wanted to be carried, but we talked her through it. She was really happy when we finished. She got to go in the bounce house and then we went for lunch and ice cream. 

I'm so excited for a relaxing evening tonight. I'm going to my friend, Savannah's, and we are having a good old fashioned slumber party. SO psyched! I haven't had a slumber party since who knows when.. Probably high school, when I slept over her house last. I think it will be a lot of fun!

 

Proud

What's the word up there above in the title? Proud? I'm pretty confident that word does not make its way into my vocabulary all too often - probably far less frequently than it should. It's interesting (I started to say funny here.. but it's not really funny), I was on my group run last night chatting with some people that I was running with and I was talking about just how hard that I am on myself. I beat myself up really bad when I need to walk on a run, or when I feel like my pace is REALLY slow.. like slower than what is my acceptable "fast" pace, which is still a 12-12:30 minute mile. Somebody will say to me "You ran a half marathon"... and I will say back to them "But I walked so much of it, so much more than I wanted to walk". 

Why does there always need to be a but? Why can't I just be PROUD of my runs? It's okay to want more - to want to improve pace and distance - but it is not okay to diminish your accomplishments because they didn't turn out exactly how you had hoped. The funny thing about this is that, I know this. Had any of my friends ever come to me and said "Oh I only run a 13 minute mile, or yeah, I did a half marathon, but I had to walk so much of it that I didn't really 'run' it", I would tell them just how crazy they are for thinking that. I would tell them that they are awesome. That they have accomplished so much. So many people don't even run, period, never mind train for a half marathon. Why is this so easy to say to somebody else, but so hard for me to accept?

Anyways, I started really thinking about this last night on my run. Last night, we did 6 miles with the half marathon training group and you know what? For the first time in awhile, I was PROUD of my run. The funny thing about this, is that it was my slowest pace in awhile. Here are my splits: 

1- 12'56"

2- 14'42"

3- 14'25"

4- 14'22"

5- 13'51"

6- 13'40"

But I was proud because I had to work HARD for this run. I have a tendency to allow my mind to convince my body that I "can't" do something when the going gets tough. This is especially true when it comes to hills - I cannot tell you how many hills that I have walked over the past couple of years. Anyways, so the first couple miles of this route was VERY hilly. My shins were killing me - almost felt as if they were on fire and I was just not feeling it. My breathing was really bad too. But, I kept going. I have always heard the running mantra that you quit when you are done, not when you are tired, and I really wanted to emulate that. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other, concentrating on not giving up. A couple of miles in, we turned off the very hilly road and I turned a corner mentally. I felt great. I did feel like I was going faster than I actually was - but oh well, my body felt great. The rest of the course had some rolling hills and I found myself really enjoying them. I actually feel ready for my 8 mile run tomorrow. 

Tomorrow's run is going to be the first 6 miles of the half marathon course - and then 2 miles off course to head back. I won't be running with the group because I have an Alzheimer's walk with my mom, Mike and Eva. So I'll be heading out at 7 am tomorrow to conquer 8 miles. The first 4 miles of the course can be pretty hilly, so I really want to stay focused and not walk on those hills!

Runners = the nicest people

Has it seriously been another MONTH since I've blogged? I cannot believe how busy I've been. I have been on the go since I got back from vacation last month.. and now I am back in school taking two online classes. 

I keep telling myself that I need to give myself a break, but then I always end up filling my day completely. It's just who I am.. The funny thing is, I wasn't always this way. I remember when I would spend my days off sleeping in until 2 pm and then doing nothing but lounging on the couch all day. When I look at myself now, I can't believe that I ever was that person. Now my weekends are more jam packed than my workweek. They are filled with sleepovers with my two favorite little girls (my nieces), spending time with friends and family, and doing active things such as running and hiking. Had you told me when I was in high school, or even a little over 3  years ago, that this is the person that I would become, I probably would have laughed in your face. I really do need to take a break soon, but I am definitely glad to be living my life to the fullest. 

This weekend, true to form, was jam packed. Yesterday morning, I had the annual 5k trail race that is sponsored by my work. I originally was not going to do it this year, as Saturday mornings are my half marathon training group runs; however, the director of customer service at my work had e-mailed me a free entry to the race. I couldn't turn it down. Especially since I was supposed to do it as part of the Move It & Lose It challenge at work. A few months ago, two friends that I work with started this challenge for us to join where we would aim to be healthier - either lose weight and/or be more active depending on what your own personal goals were. I had signed up to be a part of it, but then had to stop attending the weekly meetings due to half marathon training group runs being on the same night and time. 

Anyways, I was supposed to run 7 miles as part of my half marathon schedule. I had planned on running 4 in the morning before the 5k and then 3.1 for the 5k. However, I did not wake up early enough to do this. The 5k was great. There were a few people that I work with that this was there first time walking/running a 5k. I was so excited for them, because I knew the pure joy that they would feel after completing their first ever 5k - there is never another feeling like it. I have a love/hate relationship with this course. I love the fact that it is on a trail because it is easier on my body and my pace is always great... for the first 2 miles. The last almost mile is on an area of the trail that is very steep, winding, rocky and cluttered with roots. There were parts that were incredibly muddy this year. I had to run/walk part of this. Last year, I hurt my foot and it was not worth sustaining an injury again. 

What I always seem to forget is just how nice runners are. I always pictured runners as people who think they are better or faster than others and, for the most part, that could not be further from the truth. As a runner with a slower pace, I have received so much encouragement from other runners, especially when out on the course. The 5k course for Saturday was a loop. The course went out 1.65 miles and then looped back and then veered off to the left at mile 2. From mile 1 to the turnaround point, there was a steady stream of runners that were ahead of me and running by me. I cannot even count the number of people that cheered me (and others behind me) on when I was running past them, saying "Great Job", "Keep it Up" and some even giving me a high five, many of them from people that I had never seen before, and will never see again. When I was almost to the finish line, runners who had just finished took some time to congratulate me on finishing. It is just the greatest feeling in the world, and one of the many reasons that I was so excited for my work friends to experience this. 

Co-workers before the 5k!

 

After the race!

Me after the 5k!

After the race, I was going to just run four miles around where the trail was, but upon second thought realized that the roads were probably busier than I would have liked. I set off to head towards downtown Manchester to run some city roads that I was familiar with, when I received a text from Sarah asking if I wanted to meet up with her to run the remaining 4 miles. I was excited because I definitely was not looking to running an additional four miles... You're supposed to stop at the end of a race! We met up at a flat trail in Epping that we have walked the dogs at. We ran out 2.5 miles and ran back 1.5 and then walked a mile for cool down. My pace was faster than my runs recently, but still comfortable. (aka slow!) It was great to have Sarah there! I'm sure if she was not there that I would have most likely ended up walking some of that as it was definitely hard to break up the run into two runs. She also did great. She hasn't run that distance in a few months and handled it like a pro! OH - and the weather was PERFECT! I love fall running!

Sarah & I after our run and cool down walk

 Half marathon training is going well. I still can't believe that in a few short weeks, I will be a running a HALF MARATHON. 13.1 miles. EEk! It seems unfathomable. But then again, a couple of months ago, I couldn't picture running 7, which I did the past two weeks - one all in one stretch and the other split up this past weekend. I definitely need to work on hills the next few weeks. Any time I have needed to do the walk/run method has been to get me up a big hill, and there are some big hills in the Manchester Half. So, I really need to do this, and stop saying that I'm going to do it. Last year, I had to walk a lot more than I wanted to. I really want to run the entire 13.1 this year, and I think that if I get the hills under control, that I will succeed. 

I've definitely rambled on way too much tonight. Off to bed! :)

Falling in Love with Running Again

Wow.. has it really been 2+ months since I last wrote a blog post?  June and early July were tough months running wise.. I'm not sure what happened, but I really lost a lot of my motivation to run. I was discouraged because I was not where I wanted to be, distance wise or time wise and I really let that get me down. In June I ran 20 miles, and in July I only ran 14.

Towards the end of July, I started getting my motivation back and was getting back in my groove. Right around my birthday, I signed up to be matched with somebody to dedicate my runs for. The group is called WhoIrun4 and it matches runners with special needs children and adults. On July 29th, I received a message that, after almost 2 weeks of waiting, I had finally received my match - Hayden. Hayden is a four year old boy diagnosed with Spina Bifida and Arnold Chiari II brain malformation. He is such a special boy. In the short few weeks that I have known him, he has inspired and motivated me so much. He works hard in therapy every day, but throughout the duration of our match, he has been preparing and recovering from surgery. In his short four years of life, he has had 10 surgeries and is currently scheduled for his 11th. A few weeks ago he had surgery to have a Gtube inserted and now he is waiting on the 25th for his spine surgery. Hayden loves trains, especially Thomas. He has sent me a few video messages, cheering me on for my runs and it really brightens my day. My mom saw his most recent message, and it made her realize how special he - and this match program, really is.

 Since we have been matched, I have not missed one run. I have been running 5 days a week, with two rest days. At the beginning of August, I also signed up for the half marathon training program again. I was nervous because I was not where I wanted to be. I had wanted to get myself down to a 10 minute mile before starting this again, but I didn't. I could have easily said that I would put it off until next year; however, I am not going to live my life "getting ready" to live life.

I have realized that I probably won't ever get to a point where my runs are always improving. I'm going to have good days, and I'm going to have bad days and that is ok. The bad runs will make me appreciate the good runs even more. I'm on vacation right now with my husband and his side of our family, and my runs have not been great. I have made the mileage I needed to, but they were VERY slow runs. Instead of beating myself up about it, I have accepted that it is very hilly here, and that my runs are not going to be perfect. Hey - I'm just happy that I'm running on vacation as I've always said I was going to work out on vacation, and NEVER have. Prior to vacation, my runs with the group have been really good. I've improved on my time and distance, which makes me happy. I have also been the most consistent with my running that I have in a long time. I've been running a lot with Sully and I've been meeting up with a friend twice a week, which has been awesome.

I'll upload some pictures of my runs from this vacation when I get back. Running alongside the lake has been amazing. I just wanted to stop by and post a quick update to tell you all what has been going on in my life lately. It's been good!

Smuttynose "Will Run for Beer" 6k Race Review & other updates

Wow.. I can't believe that I have not written this post yet. I've been meaning to write it for a while now.. but work, school, exercise life gets in the way. Anyways, so last Saturday was the Smuttynose 6k. It was also my sister's first race.. ever. She came to watch my race the weekend before this race and decided she wanted to run the 6k with me. She hasn't run since high school, so she was a little nervous about doing it, but I said that we would take it easy - run as far as we could and then walk when we needed to.

The race started at 11 am. At first, I welcomed the later race time. I always try to get to a race 90 minutes before start, and the race was in Hampton, about 45 minutes away. But then, I realized just how hot it was going to be at 11 am, and I wish the race started sooner. The parking situation was a little crappy. You had to park about 1/2-3/4 of a mile down the road and walk up.. Funny how it was my husband and Heather's boyfriend complaining the entire walk about the crappy parking situation - not Heather or myself who had to then run 3.75 miles, or my 2 year old niece.. Once we got up to bib/packet pick up, we quickly obtained our bib and then our free tshirts and then had over an hour to kill before race time, so we hung out on the grass. 

Sean and I had a housewarming party to go to right after the race, so we ended up bringing Sully to the race with us to avoid keeping him home all day. This was the first race that he's ever been to and he loved it. He was getting attention from lots of people, and almost got to steal some food from Allie. 

Sully & I before the race

The cutest 2 year old girl that I know!

Allie, myself & Heather before the race

When it got closer to the start of the race, Heather and I headed over to the start line, which was a 5 or so minute walk. There were a ton of people! We started of running and made it between .25-.5 miles before we had to stop and take our first walking break, not bad at all for Heather never running before! Around the mile mark, we ran into Savannah who was detail for the race -- keeping us safe! She cheered us on, which kept us going for a little while longer. I remember Heather saying how she couldn't believe that it had been a mile already. Mile 1-2 was the worst, I was dripping in sweat and so overheated. The website said that the water station was going to be around mile 1.5, but it wasn't. (They changed the race this year from a 5k to a 6k and I think they forgot to update where the water station would be). As I had my GPS watch, and was practically dying, I was on the lookout for the water station at like mile 1.25. Once we got to mile 1.5 and it was no where in sight, I felt defeated. ha! 

We got to mile 2.. still no water station. However, there was a very kind lady who had her hose on and was letting us take turns using it. Since I wasn't trying to meet any specific time goals, just out there to have a good time, I decided to stop and wait in the line, which moved fairly quickly. I took a quick sip (which Sean soon chastised me for later when he found out -- could be ecoli in the water!) and then drenched myself in water before heading out again. A few minutes after we left this godsend's house, we rounded the corner and saw the water station!! There were kids out there flinging water, another guy with a hose and water.. I took 2 cups, which I seriously don't EVER do. I am normally nervous that they won't have enough for somebody behind me, so I only take one. But I figured that we were pretty close to the back of the back and they had a TON of water, so I indulged in 2 waters. I really should have taken my own water, but I hadn't realized just how hot it was going to be - maybe I should actually pay attention to the weather more. 

After the water station, we felt invigorated and ran for awhile. We ended up stopping for a bit and then ran the last half mile down to the finish.

She looks like she's been running her whole life!!

Horrible Finish Photo!!!

Heather did amazing!! She actually ended up finishing shortly before me.. And when you look at these pictures above - SHE looks like she's the one who's been running for 18 months, and I look like the one who had never run before! HA! This race was definitely tough for me with the heat. There were times when Heather was ready to get running and I was like.. ahh! I'm not ready yet! It was great running with her. I was happy that I could share something that I love with my sister. It meant so much to me. And she really loved it. I know that she's been out running a couple of times since the race and wants to do another one. So proud of her! 

Heather & I after the race

Allie & Sully waiting for us to finish

Allie & Sully waiting for us to finish

 I will definitely do this race again next year. Other than the really hot temps, I loved it. We ran on back roads through Hampton, through an apple orchard and on a covered bridge. It was one of the more scenic courses that I have done. I was really disappointed that we couldn't stay for the post race festivities. I have been so busy after these races lately that I haven't been able to stay. This was a race put on by a brewery - the name was even Will Run for Beer and I couldn't even have a beer!! I don't typically drink my post race drink - I usually donate to Sean to compensate him for waiting a super long time for me to run, but I wanted it this time. I was also excited because they were offering veggie burgers as one of the food options, which I've never seen at a race before, but didn't have time to eat either. Next year, I will definitely plan to not have plans after the race so that I can actually enjoy the festivities. 

In other news, I'm pretty sure that I'm giving up on being a vegan... sort of... Today is day 21 and I cannot tell you how many times I have cheated on the vegan part. It has been mostly unintentional, but there have been a few intentional cheats - like ordering pizza last night. I am proud to say that I have not cheated once on meat in the past 21 days. I really think that I tried to take on too much at once. I never realized how hard being vegan would be.. Eggs and traces of cheese are seriously in EVERYTHING! So, my plan for the remainder of the 60 days is to continue the no meat. I am going to try and stick to vegan as much as possible (and really try hard to avoid the intentional cheats). My goal is not obviously outright eat things, like an egg, but if something that I eat - like a veggie burger, has eggs in it, I'm not going to freak out about it. My diet is already limited enough for me right now. 

OH and I got a bike!! I'm so psyched!! (totally didn't mean to rhyme that btw). Anyways, I've been wanting to buy a bike for a long time. My desire for a bike only increased when I decided that I wanted to complete a triathlon. I had originally wanted to wait until I could go to a specialty bike store and buy a high quality bike. However, I quickly realized that wasn't going to be a possibility - with saving for a house, going to Disney with my family and the ridiculous amount of money I already spend on races and running stuff. Speaking of races - I sacrificed any races that I hadn't previously committed to in order to get the bike - we'll see if that is a decision I regret! I've been on two rides this week and I am loving it already! The first ride on Sunday was 6 miles, and yesterday's was about 3.5 miles. The route that I picked was pretty hilly. Definitely looking forward to working more on the hills and taking my bike new places.

Happy National Running Day!!

Exercise - 
Ran 3.1 miles

Today is National Running Day and I've been thinking a lot about what running means to me. I started running in January 2012. I had tried (and failed) the couch to 5k program a few times before this, usually making it no further than week 3. The last time I had tried it was probably in October of 2011. I had made a new years resolution that I really wanted to complete the program... I was trying to lose a bunch of weight and figured that this was going to be what would finally make me lose all of the weight. I started on January 3rd and could BARELY make it the 45 seconds without feeling like I was going to pass out/throw up/die (more like all of the above). I remember the day that I ran my first mile.. I'm not sure exactly what day it was because it wasn't the plan to run a mile that day. I believe that I was supposed to run 8 minutes or something like that - so it was probably week 3. I got to the 8 minute mark and I was like "I can do this, I think I can run a mile" and I kept going. I remember being so proud of myself that I called my mom to tell her that I ran my first mile. Now I know that this is not a big accomplishment, but to me it was. I had never run a mile before - not even in high school gym class. When others were running the mile, I always elected to walk around the track or the gym, because "I couldn't run - I'm too overweight and out of shape to run". HA! I was more overweight in January 2012 when I ran my first mile than when I was in high school doubting myself. 

I kept progressing in the training. When I got to the point where I could run 2 miles, then 3 miles, it was like it was the best thing ever - I've never been more proud. I had signed up for my first 5k with my friend Sarah. By the time I made it to 3 miles, I decided that it was probably time to start running outside. I naively thought that it could not be more difficult than what I was doing on the treadmill. WRONG! Had I known what I knew now, when I was training on the treadmill, I would have adjusted the incline to a 1 or a 2 in order to make the transition easier - but I hadn't known that, so basically the treadmill was doing most of the work for me. The first time that I ran outside, I found it hard to regulate my pace, I ran the fastest mile I had run up to that point, but then couldn't go any further. I eventually learned how to regulate my pace. My husband, boyfriend at the time, used to run cross country and he suggested that I stop running with music. He said that it could help me focus on my breathing. At this point, this was the most absurd thing I think that I had ever heard. But I decided to give it a try. It was definitely an adjustment for a few weeks (like it was running outside), but I have never looked back since. 

Sarah & I at the start of our first 5k!

 After that first 5k, I became very inconsistent with running - I think that I need to have a specific running goal in order to not lose momentum. I decided to sign up for the Ribfest 5 miler. Sarah signed up for it with me. 

At the start of the 5 miler

Sarah and I finishing the 5 miler!!

If I can do a 5 miler, then I can do a 10k, right?! A few short weeks after the Ribfest 5 miler, I ran my very first (and to date only) 10k. It was on the 4th of July and benefited Big Brothers Big Sisters. This race was tough for me because I am a very slow runner (more of like a jogger). Most of the time this is not an issue because there are typically ALWAYS walkers at the races; however, the walkers all did the 5k. But I was determined to not walk (as I hadn't in my two previous races) and not be last. I believe that there were only 2 MAYBE 3 people behind me - but I was NOT last and I did not walk - so I was happy. This was also the first race that I had done by myself. They had already started the awards ceremony by the time that I finished. 

I finished the 10k!

 This is the last race that I did this summer. I was supposed to do another one either in July or early August. However, I woke up that morning sick and I ended up canceling on Sarah. Sarah still ended up doing it and said it was super hot, hilly and NO water stations, so I'm glad that I stayed home that day. I had decided that I wanted to do a half marathon in the fall. There were a lot of people that called me crazy - but I really wanted to do one, and thought that I could. I mean, it's only double what I had just done in July and I still had a few months to train. I decided to join the Runner's Alley half marathon training group. Best.Decision.EVER! It kept me accountable because I paid money to join the group, and I had people that I needed to meet up with every week. It was also nice because it was structured to the point that we weren't increasing our distance much each week, but enough to the point where I knew that I'd be right on track. Up until the point of mine and Sean's wedding, I was right on track. Running exactly what I needed to run, not needed to stop for waking breaks. Unfortunately, I ended up missing close to 3 weeks of training with the wedding, the honeymoon, then I got an AWFUL sinus infection right when I got back. This was the point where I started struggling. 

In September, a couple of weeks when I was back from our honeymoon, I ran a 5k with  my friend Brittany - her first! This was a "road race" sponsored by our work. I use the quotation marks when referring to it as a road race because literally maybe .2 miles of it was on the road. The rest was on a trail and probably the last .75-1 mile was all up hill on a trail that was not packed down. At one point, I came pretty close to tripping over a root! I was definitely NOT prepared for this race. It was called a road race, and while I knew that it was on a trail, I hadn't realized it wouldn't be a packed down trail the whole way. I will definitely prepare more for next year! 

Coworkers after the race!

Brittany and I after the race

This race was the last one until my half marathon. After I had taken 3 weeks off from running (wedding, honeymoon, getting sick etc), it was definitely hard to keep progressing with my training. Everybody else in the group was moving forward, and I had regressed. I stuck with it and ended up walking/running the half. 

Before the Race

I finished!!

My Mom & Dad

My loving husband - who has only missed a couple races

My sister in law came out too!

And also my mother in law and brother in law!

in laws!

After the half marathon, I wasn't able to run for close to 4 months because I was healing from a stress fracture. During this four months, not only did I gain back a ton of weight - but I was really frustrated that I couldn't run. When I was able to finally start running again, it was a tough experience. I could barely run just over half a mile. I had signed up for a race in February - the snowflake shuffle - and I ended up having to walk a lot of it. I ended up running into my friend Jess, as well as a few people that did the half marathon training group.

Jess & I get some hot chocolate after the race!

Sarah and I had signed up for the 5k where it all started one year before. I was super bummed because last year we had said we wanted to do the half marathon this year, but I had to accept that it just wasn't possible. I couldn't believe that I forgot about all of the hills!! Especially the one RIGHT before you go into the finish. I also had to take a few walking breaks for this one. 

 At the end of April, I did a 5.6 mile charity run with Savannah. Obviously since I was walking through 5ks, I was not ready to run almost 6 miles. However, it was the charity that was set up for Officer Maloney who was a police chief that was shot, and killed, acting in the line of duty. The run was from Portsmouth NH police department to Greenland NH police department. I was happy to do a race with Savannah, because we kept saying that we "needed to do it" and then never did. I'm positive that she could have ran much faster than I am and done the whole thing with no walking breaks, but she stayed by my side the entire time and we finished together. She pushed her daughter Paige in the stroller. We actually got interviewed by the Union Leader and appeared in an article on the race - Savannah was quoted!

The following weekend, I ran my first ever Cinco De Mayo race. And so many people that I know were running it! The course was extremely hilly, so I had to walk. But they gave you a free margarita after - and beer, but I didn't drink that. I definitely had to walk on this one! The hills were insane. 

Kelly & I before the race

Mike (Brother in law) and I before the race - his FIRST 5k

Vicki, Suzanne & I before the race

Mom's Run This Town - Greater Manchester running group

Finishing

At the end of May, I did my first ever back to back race weekend. I did the Color Vibe with my friend Kelly. I was supposed to meet up with a few other people there, but they were so busy I didn't end up seeing like anybody that I knew. On Sunday the 26th, I ran a 5k for Runner's Alley (the store that does the half marathon training group). It was a charity run. I ran that with my friends Sarah and Christina, as well as Christina's friend. 

 

Last week I did a 6k with my sister Heather (race recap to come, so I won't say too much about it!) But it was great having her to do it with me - and of course - some pictures! 

 Running has been so great to me. Over the past 18 months, I have grown so much as a person. Running has caused me to really put myself out there and meet some new (hopefully lifelong) friends and running partners. I was definitely nervous joining the HM training group on my own, and then joining the Mom's running group (especially since I'm an imposter - sort of!). I have had the opportunity to share my love of running with so many people that I care about. I have been reminded again just how blessed I am. I have a husband who puts up with my very expensive purchases for this running habit - even if he thinks that I don't necessarily NEED the running gear - and who has missed maybe two of my races since I started (for good reason). I have a family, including in-laws, and friends who have come out to support me at some of my races. And on top of all of this, I CAN RUN. I may not be the fastest (or even moderately paced), and I may be inconsistent and need to walk sometimes, but I am so blessed that I have the ability to run. Running has literally changed my life.

Happy National Running Day!! Looking forward to many more runs! 

Question - what is YOUR running story? And what does running mean to you?